The Adventures of SUPAH JACK!
by spookyq42
Summary: Jack as a bad super hero goes around the island and saves people from danger. It'll be good. Promise.
1. Smoke Monster!

Don't own anything. Not even Supah Jack. That belongs to 16Aqua. The idea was mine, though. Enjoy!

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One groovy day, Kate was skipping through the jungle happily. Alone. This was a stupid thing to do, but whatever. She was also singing. "DAVID DUCHOVNY! WHY WON"T YOU LOVE ME! I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS! SOMETHING ABOUT SCULLY!" she sang joyously. 

Suddenly, she was attacked by the evil smoke monster of DOOM. Actually, she sort of just saw it and got really freaked out. "AHHHH!" she yelled.

Back on the beach, Jack was talking to Eko about a farm he had gone to on a field trip in 1st grade. Eko didn't really care, and was pretending to listen. Just then, they heard Kate's scream! OMG!

"Did somebody say justice?" asked Jack.

"Uhhh…No," answered Eko.

Jack then put on a red cape, and became SUPAH JACK! Defender of All That Is Groovay! Or, DATIG.

Grabbing Eko's Jesus stick, SUPAH JACK flew into the jungle to save Kate!

"FEAR NOT, YOUNG KATHERINE!" he yelled, "I HAVE ARRIVED TO SAVE YOU WITH MY JESUS STICK!"

"I thought it was Eko's Jesus stick," replied Kate while trembling in fear of the smoke monster of DOOM!

Supah Jack ignored her and began to do kung-fo like battle with the smoke, soon comeing upon a surprising fact. No, the fact wasn't that you can't fight smoke. It was that the smoke was comeing from a cigarette that was being smoked by…

"CANCER MAN?" gasped Supah Jack, "What have I told you about smoking?"

Cancer Man put down his cigarette and sighed. "I know, I know. _Keep our forest nice and green; Not smoking keeps the air clean._"

_**Next time on Supah Jack: I dunno...It will be updated, though.**_


	2. Spontaneously Combusting Boy Bands

Woot! New chapter! does dance Thanks for all the reviews, hope ya like this one!

One day, Charlie was walking through the jungle, humming a badly written song about heading west, when Kate ran screaming up to him!

"What's wrong?" asked Charlie.

"I don't know! We hafta find Supah Jack!"

"I'll call him over," answered Charlie before yelling, "ROSWELL!"

Supah Jack came flying in a moment later, floating in front of the sun for a bit, just to get the point across that he could fly and they couldn't. He finally landed. "What seems to be the problem, law abiding citizens?" he asked in his 'heroic' voice.

Kate and Charlie looked at each other for a bit in complete silence. "Ummm… WE dunno," answered Charlie truthfully. Kate nodded in agreement.

"I see…" answered Supah Jack. There was more silence, broken by Supah Jack asking, "Now what?"

"DANCE PARTY!" yelled Charlie. A disco ball began to spin above them, and a random crappy boy band started singing about triangles.

"Nah," said Charlie, Kate, and Supah Jack in unison. The disco ball went away, and the boy band spontaneously combusted, as all boy bands should.

FIN


	3. Da Orgin of SUPAH JACK!

**I would have done this yesterday, but fanfic wouldn't let me upload documents. Pish!**

One day, plain old normal Jack was in the jungle doing nothing in particular. Suddenly, HE TRIPPED ON A STICK! GASPSHOCKDISBELIEF! And his hand was smooshed in something squishy! He looked at his hand and found it smished in a Twinkie!

"OMG!" said Jack excitedly. He hearted Twinkies to the point of obsession. Plain old normal Jack eagerly ate said Twinkie, without knowing that it was infected with a special type of bacterium which altered his genetic combinations, giving him SUPAH HUMAN POWAHS!111

Tying his red towel around his neck, the now SUPAH JACK sprung off to do good deeds throughout the island.

**Well, that's it for now! Sorry it was short. Thanks to all who reviewed, especially Random LOST Fan, for seeing that one bit in the first chapter exactly as I had.**


	4. Supah Jack Goes Pychic

One day, Supah Jack tied his towel/cape around his head in a turban like fashion. "I'm a psychic!" he proclaimed as his 'turban' drooped.

"OMG!11," said Kate, "Tell my fortune!"

Jack retied his towel around his head, and proceeded to predict Kate's future. "I predict that you will be trampled in a stampede," he stated in a prophet like fashion.

"That's ridicules!" scoffed Kate, always the skeptic.

At that moment, a bigmoungus clam herd stampeded out from the forest and sqeeshed Kate.

FIN

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Well, that was weird. 


	5. UBER CHARLIE

Supah Jack stood on the island, the sun shining behind him in victory-like glory. "All is safe on the Island, thanks to me!" he said proudly.

"MWAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE WRONG!" shouted a loud voice of evil, "THAT'S A DETENTION!"

Supah Jack spun around and saw his new archnemisis, THE CAPS LOCK SNAKE OF EVIL FRIZZY HAIR AND ANTICHRISTNESS! OH NO! She was bignormus and green, with evil red eyes and frizzy blond hair.

"GASP!" gasped Supah Jack.

"I KNOW YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME! I WILL GIVE YOU 24 HOURS TO COME UP WITH A PLAN TO DO SO! I DOUBT YOU WILL BE VICTORIOUS!" and with that, she made here way into the jungle, leaving Jack to think of a plan.

_**ONE HOUR LATER **_

"What shall I do?" pondered Supah Jack. "I've only 23 hours left to think of a plan!"

"Sounds to me like you need a side kick," answered Charlie, to whom Jack was complaining.

"Like who?"

"What about Locke?" suggested Charlie.

"Pssh!" said Jack skeptically, "What would his super name be? Guy-Who-Ticks-Me-Off-Man?"

"What about me?"

"Genius!" exclaimed Jack, "You are now Über Charlie!"

**_THE NEXT DAY_**

Supah Jack met his evil foe with the long name the next day. Before the malicious villain could say a word, Über Charlie leaped out from a shrubbery, and began to sing. His total British kablamoality forced the EVIL SNAKE to dissolve into a puddle of sludge. And all was calm on the island once more.

The End! Thonx to all that reviewed the last chapter. I may also update tomorrow. I was gonna over the weekend, but I'm a headin' to Washington. Peace out!


	6. OH NO! NOT THE TWINKIES!

**WOOT! I gots another chapter! I haven't updated b/c I've been incredibly tired. Thank you for the reviews. I did have a groovetacular time in Washington, thanks to Raspberrygirl for wishing me so. This font is is really weird…**

One day, Supah Jack was hungry. Only guess what? He had gone through his stash of everlasting Twinkies, which turned out not to be everlasting. That sorta sucked. A lot.

So Jack went around the Island to see if anyone possessed any vittles. He approached Charlie. "I'm hungry!" he informed Charlie.

"So? What's your point?" asked Charlie.

"Got any food?"

"No. Hey look, a bug!"

Jack jumped back upon seeing the bug, which happened to be a cockroach! "Alas! A violently disturbed messenger of evil! I will put an end to your existence on this planet, oh cruel spy of nature!" and with that, he brought his foot down upon the six-legged beast. Forsooth! It had not perished!

I gotta stop talking like that.

"Holy Smakers! With out my magic Twinkies, I can't…" he failed to think of a word.

"Gobsmack it?" suggested Charlie.

"Maybe…Got another?"

"Kill bugs?"

"That works to."

_**OH NO! Will Supah Jack ever find more Twinkies? Or will the Island be overrun by an evil cockroach army? I siriously don't know. I sort of just made it up. (CHEESY ANNOUNCER VOICE ) Tune in next time to find out! **_


	7. Cockroaches, crayons, and clues

Supah Jack set upon an epic quest to find the cockroach's evil leader. He left with out hesitation. Plus, he dragged Über Charlie along with him.

"Why do I have to come?" whined said British super hero.

"Because," answered Jack as he thrashed noisily through the jungle. "Because I said so, that's why."

"That's not a reason."

"… Shut up, yes it is."

With much arguing, they soon found something. As it turns out, it was an entire line of cockroaches walking about. They had a giant blue paw print on them.

"A Clue! A Clue!" cried Supah Jack excitedly. "You know what that means!"

"It's time for our handy dandy notebook," said Charlie, who (before comeing to the Island involuntarily) had spent a great amount of his time watching American children's television programs.

Jack looked at him strangely. "No, doofus. We're gonna follow it."

And follow it they did. Right into the cleverly plotted trap of an EVIIIIIIL mastermind!

**Wowzers! That was short. For once, I actually have a plan for this plot. Thonx for reviewing…aaand…Don't talk to strangers…remember to floss, you know, that sort of thing. Oh, and I changed my bio, so check that out if you a) have nothing better to do or b) actually sort of care. I think I'm done, so have a groovy St Patrick's Day.**


	8. War of the Coprophages

Supah Jack and Über Charlie followed the cockroaches throughout the perilous jungle. That is, if a jungle can indeed be perilous. The insects of supposed Armageddon bringing doom led the dynamic duo to a cave. They of coarse went in, despite the fact that it had a sort of green slime dripping from its stalagmites/stalactites, had numerous signs out front saying "Beware of general evil that may lie afoot" and was, in short, evil looking. But hey, they ate smooshed Twinkies from the jungle floor. Charlie got some of his powers from a radioactive muffin (but more of that later.) Of coarse they would be dumb enough to go in.

"We could really use some flashlights," commented Charlie, referring to the cave's darkness.

"Dude! Yeah! Like Mulder and Scully!" said Supah Jack.

"Yes," said a sinister voice that came from the inky black depths of the cave, "Exactly like Mulder and Scully"

Our pair of heroes (as they like to be called) spun around lightning fast. "Gasp!" gasped Supah Jack, "It's Boogie on a Turd Lady!11"

And now, some helpful background information from the author, that may help you to better understand the following content.

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Back in the day (when I was in 6th grade) my friend Chelsea and I were in band. We still are. We get to play Pirates of the Caribbean music! NeenerNeenerNeener! Ahem. Anyways, so in 6th grade, we had some contest thing we had to go to. We were told that we could go and purchase various delectable sugary products, as long as we could get any we didn't eat back to the room that our cases and jackets were in before some preformance we had to watch. Chelsea and I were late, and decided it was best to just run back. We were half way there when this…_heavier _woman comes in the middle of our path and says "**_STOP_**" in a tremendous God-like voice. We halted, and the Almighty Guard of the Hallway instructed us not to run, but to walk all the way back to the beginning of the hall, and make our way to the end. Quite flustered, we did so. When we came near her, she was talking to someone, and totally ignoring us. We ran the rest of the way, and were not late. However, that woman was eternally known to two girls in Illinois as 'Bogie on a Turd' lady. Or woman. Take your pick.

Back to the story now.

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"Yes! Tis I! Now, you must fight my cockroach armies, or else they will rule the Island." (All villains on Da Island have a peculiar obsession with ruling it.)

So they fought the bugs for many an hour. They soon grew weary, and thought that they could fight no longer. And the Bogie on a Turd Lady laughed a malicious laugh. Until Über Charlie remembered something that he had once saw on an American children's television program! Using his psychic powahs, he POOFed the cockroaches to Brazil, where Evil Industrialists built one of those damn dams in the way of their world conquest plans.

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOoooooooooo….," yelled the Bogie on a Turd lady, as she slowly deflated.

To celebrate this defeat, Charlie and Jack held the greatest Luau themed roller disco that the Island had ever known, or ever will know. Even Billy Boyd came, and that totally proved its greatness.

But as everyone celebrated (most of them didn't know what they were rejoicing for) a new evil lurked in the jungle, waiting for the right time to strike, and set its brilliant plan into action. All it needed was time, and it had all the time in the world… If that makes any sense.

**Oh my GOD! Longest chapter ever! Thanks for the reviews, and… all that stuff. Peace out!**


	9. Fun with Ouija Boards!

One day, Hurly was a walkin' through the jungle when he found a rectangle! "OMG!" he said.

"OMG what?" asked Jack who was randomly a walkin' by.

"I found a rectangle!"

"OMG! It's a Ouija board!" stated Jack.

They began to play with said board. "Are there any spirits in the room?" asked Jack.

"Jungle," corrected Hurly.

"Right. OMG! The palette thing's moving!" Sure enough, it was. "OMGOSH im a byrdy" it spelled.

"**_OMG!123_**" said Jack excitedly.

"Oops, that was me," apologized Hurly.

After an hour of screwing with the board, they decided to give up. They were just about to leave when the board began to spell out "I AM THE TREE"

Jack got freaked out and started sweating mass quantities of sweat. "Tell me that was you," he pleaded to Hurly.

"I would, but I don't want to lie to you."

"OMG!" flipped out Jack. "Who are you?" he asked the Ouija board.

"THE TREE" it answered.

"OMG! The spirit of the tree is speaking!"

"Dude, that's freaky tiki," commented Hurly.

Without warning, the nearest tree grew laser red eyes, humungoid libs, and a mouth, from which sprang an evil laugh off doom. "I THE TREE TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB" spelt out the board.

"Waaaaait a minute…,"said Jack skeptically. "That's technically, physically, mentally, grammatically, and psychologically impossible," he continued, without knowing what half those words meant.

"Oh dear," said the tree, and promptly vanished in a poof of logic.

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**Wootwoot. The huge evil that will be more dangerous than the cockroaches will be comeing up soon. Thanks for the reviews, aaaaaaand….that's it. Have a good Tuesday/rest of Monday!**


	10. Edumacational Chayptur

**Righty-o! This one's for Mulldy, who was disappointed that I didn't put Boone in the last one. Thonx fur da reviews. On with the actual story:**

One day b.i. (before Island), Boone was a walkin' around King's Cross trying to find platform 9 & ¾ . He was failing miserably. For one thing, he couldn't even find Platform 9, and for another, he wasn't even sure he was in England.

Suddenly, sumptin horrid happened! Boone was pushed in front of an on comeing train! GASPSHOCKDISBELIEF! But, of course, he couldn't die, because this was before Island, and you can't die twice, unless you believe in reincarnation, as I do.

Just as suddenly as in the last paragraph, someone grabbed Boone's shoulder and pulled him to safety, just as the train began comeing to a stop.

Which reminds me of an interesting story. Did you know that Abe Lincoln's son saved John Wilkes Booth's brother from being hit by a train a week before Lincoln's assassination?

Anyway, Boone turned to look at his savoir. As it turns out, that was Jack, he just didn't know it.


End file.
